Reflections on HOPE, and good news...

I've been too busy
living
to have much time
to reflect
on my predicament.

Denial?

Not
exactly.

Well,

maybe a little.



It does amaze me to experience a sort of physical amnesia about the pain and suffering of the past three years, when I read back over the posts.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. Grateful to be one of the 80% of us predisposed to optimism (see The Optimism Bias) since I seem to be able to morph even terminal cancer into a mostly ecstatic life.  And I do believe that in some cases ignorance IS bliss.
But, more than that, I think this forgetting is mostly a good thing.  Some things, like pain, and childbirth, ARE best forgotten, or why would we embark on another pregnancy? Or a major surgery?

Its HOPE.

Hope and amnesia.

          So, after spending some weeks really, truly coming to grips with my immanent mortality, composing notes to be read upon my demise, and rehearsing the generous "I don't want you to be alone" conversation, among other cliches, I was angry and depressed. Being a Pollyanna doesn't give you many tools to descend into the pit of despair with, and behind my facade of normalcy, I was sad. Weepy and 'woe is me' sorry for myself, and filled with longing for the long life that I was unlikely to have. My tumors were growing, and the next chemo was horrid and disfiguring.

BUT:  to the rescue! After my case being presented to the Liver Tumor Board, I am now a candidate for liver surgery, and there is hope that they can actually remove the last of my cancer, (along with quite a bit of my liver) and that the remaining bit of my liver will be able to regenerate itself, like a chameleon's tail.

And then I could be disease-free!

THAT is my hope.

Lunar eclipse

So,
I am preparing for
liver surgery.



After the Wedding.

(And
a
chemo
holiday
until then!)


Sometimes,
hope makes all the difference